Tricking Kids Is Easy

My oldest daughter when aged four was sent to her room by her mother for an attitude issue. Her room was just across a short hall from my bedroom where I was laying down. We were is full view of each other and I could see her sobbing just feet away.

I attempted to console her and asked what the matter was. She replied that mom her punished her. I sympathized and told her to come over to old dad.

She resisted, stating correctly that her mother had punished her and she'd get into trouble if she left the room.  "But you're already punished. What else can she do?" I asked.

My daughter considered this for a second, peered around the corner and started for my room when I shouted to her mother mid trip that my daughter had left her room.

A Dog named George

The kids, like every other kid on the planet, want a dog. A nice fluffy little pint-sized lap-dog that smells of daises and never makes a sound. Having been down that route with a terrier that lived 16.5 years, 4.5 past the normal life expectancy for his breed, I knew what having a dog was really all about and did my best to explain to the family why I didn’t want one and they shouldn’t want one. 

They were not persuaded and have continually pestered me. My youngest was particularly persistent and the issue caused a bit of a family crisis when, frustrated, I snapped, "You can't keep your room clean. How are you going to care for a dog"! She stomped off to her room, furious and crafted a note to her mother: 

"Mom, I'm sorry I can't keep my promise to live with you forever, because I can't live with Dad"!

I relented, conditionally. They could have a dog, but only after I was dead. To my surprise, they didn’t seem too upset. To my dismay, they began researching dogs and intensified the search every time I felt a bit under the weather. Seriously, a cold would result in the two youngest rushing to a laptop to search for pets on Craig’s list. They, with the help of my dear equally wanting a dog wife, even named the eventual pet, “George”. I fail to see the humor.

Why Did Mom have to take Your name Dad?

It’s a fair question, “Why do many if not most moms change their surname to their new husband’s”? my youngest daughter, aged 9, asked. As the youngest of four, I’d heard this before and had the answer ready. 

“When you hear a noise at night, who gets up and checks?” I asked. 

“You do” she replied without hesitation, somewhat confused that this was even a question.

“And if there’s a spider in the room, who kills it”, My 14 years old added.

The realization of privilege and responsibility hit her as she responded, “ohhh”. 

Daya sat quietly by with one raised eyebrow and a bit of a smirk.

I’ve been doing all the heavy lifting and killing more spiders than I thought existed since then. The usual scenario unfolds as,

Daya: George Spider!

George: “So kill it”.

Daya: I’m a Constance

George:  “Crap”as I get a magazine to kill the insect.

Daya: “The garabage has to go out and it’s raining”!

you get the idea.

Post script:

Lats night I was in bed, baely clothed and nearly asleep when my youngest, now 10, shouted spider. Daya shouted “George”. George moaned, “I’m freakin in bed. Kill it yourself. 

Moments later, I heard a few whacks from a flyswatter. Daya climbed into bed a minute after that declaring she and the kids were all changing their names to Patel, her surname.

Dhara gets crafty

My 14 years old was punished for an attitude issue for three weekends. I marked the weekends on the family calendar. Her 10 years old sister decided to play a trick on her and add an "X" on a fourth weekend then immediately erase it. She told her older sister that it looks like she (the 14 year old) had erased a date and might even get a fifth week added to the punishment.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

Daughters Mina, aged 14, Dhara, aged 10 and nephew Shyam, aged 9. were in the backset of the car when Dhara suggested a game of Rock paper scissors.

"One, Two, Three", they said together and thrust their hands forward. Dhara had paper, Shyam had scissors and Mina had her hand in the shape of a gun. "Bang, bang!" she said as she pointed at each of the other two and announced she'd won.

You Need a Doctor

My slightly hypochondriac brother-in-law was over for dinner last week. He complained of a possible tumor in his jaw and asked his PT sister what kind of doctor he needed and added, "A specialist?", His sister said, "I dunno, maybe a GP to start"? My 14 year added, "Maybe a psychologist"?

Daughter Glad I Graduated

I received my diploma for a MS in Technology Commercialization from Northeastern University last week. Yeah, I know, I'm older than some of my professors. But it's in the bag and the sheepskin arrived in the mail.

My 10 years old was sitting on the floor next to the large padded envelope that the thing came in and said she was glad I got the degree. I told her I was too and asked why she was. "For this!" she replied and proceeded to crawl over the envelope, popping the bubbles inside.

Like Oh my God, I'm like so like embarrassed, alright!

I was just yesterday driving my 13 years old and her friend, also 13, lets call her Sammy, to a frozen yogurt shop. Sammy calls her mom to let her know and has the conversation on speaker phone.

Her mom is excited and tells Sammy that she was on her way with Sammy's little sisters to the same yogurt shop. Sammy, a bit annoyed at mom's excited tone tries to get off the phone. Her mom interrupts and says, "Look, when you get there, don't embarrass me. Just pretend like you don't like know me. OK!"

Did ya know they call white people Crackers?

My dark skinned 13 year old (white dad and Indian mom) came home from school recently and asked if I knew that black people called white people "Cracker". I laughed and told her that, in fact, I'd been called as much many times. Her inquisitive wrinkled eye brows turned to a giggle as she said, "guess that makes me a 'Graham Cracker' ".

Athletic Daughter

The same daughter who told me she didn't want to play soccer as she was a "Mall & Makeup kind of girl" just conformed several years later that she still is. I asked how her day was after arriving home from school.  She responded, "OK I guess, We played this game and I had no idea what it was. But I hit a ball with this styrofoam stick and everyone started shouting yeah. So it was OK I guess". 

Multiplication

Dhara asked me to help her with her math homework. I took a quick look and declared, "Ah multiplication!" "What;s that?" Dhara asked. "Well it's like when you keep adding the same number a bunch of times. Instead of adding 2+2+2+2 you would just say 2X4 and get eight" I told her. Then I added a real world example, "Mom gained about 2 pounds for each year we've been married. We've been married 13 years now. So how many pounds has she gained in total?"

Dhara stared at me emotionless for a second and stated quite matter of factly, "Mom says you're a jerk".

"I know you don't like math, but don't change the subject baby. Now how many pounds in total has mom gained?"

"Mom had two babies" Dhara defended her mother again.

"OK now we're talking algebra baby. Focus on the multiplication first." I then led her through the logical steps towards the answer, "So 2 pounds per year times 13 years is ......."

"You'd still be a jerk" Dhara flatly finished the sentence.

"Fine ask your sister to help you" I scolded her.

"She thinks you're a ....."

"Go to your room", I interrupted her and continued, "and tell your sister she's punished too!"

Big Spoons and Health

My wife, Daya, and I were talking about how eating salty chips, something we had just done but rarely do, made the corners of our mouths sore. We speculated that it was the salt. Dhara, aged 8 sitting next to us said, "Yeah I get that too. I just stopped using really big spoons".

Wedding Planning

I'm heading on over to the teapot yesterday when my determined eight years old daughter stepped directly so suddenly into my path that I almost knocked her over. I looked down at her big brown eyes looking back at me. It wasn't the daughter I tucked into bed the night before. She was serious man. It was like staring into Caesar Chavez's face during a tense negotiation.

"Dad!", Dhara began.

"Yes daughter" was all I could muster.

"When I get married", she continued, "When I get married, way in the future, can I have a wedding in the Spring?"

"Sure", I smiled and assured her.

"On a Saturday?", she continued.

"I guess so." I said.

"And in a garden?", Dhara added.

"OK" I answered with a shrug.

"Good!" she said satisfied but still a tad serious and turned and left the room.

"What the hell?!" I said as I turned to my wife for an explanation and continued, "She's 8 and wants to plan her wedding? Hell, I was in the woods looking for the bat cave after school at that age."

"She's a girl, George" was my wife's only reply.

Homework

My 12 years old asked me how to multiply exponents.

I sighed and said that as soon as the get into the country they do that all by themselves. You pack 12 of 'em into a rusty old Chevy wagon, a late night run across the border and 20 years later they want the country to adopt Spanish or exponish or whatever as the nation's second language.

My daughter stared at me for a minute than added, "In math, when you have one number raised to the power of another, how do you multiply them?'.

"Ohhhh. Well I wouldn't dear. Can't see any reason to attempt it", I assured her.

"Cause it's math homework, Dad", she said, using a bit more annoyed tone than I would have dared to take with my father.

I took a look at the math problem on her assignment pad.

"Jesus that would be a big number no matter how ya did it! Why would you do something like that!" I rightly exclaimed.

My daughter gently stroked my arm, took the assignment pad from my hands and asked when her mother was getting home.

I think it's important to take an active interest in your child's education.