Painting the Zoo

or How Snakes in Air Conditioners Can Get You painting in the Zoo

Last night as Daya and I lay in bed the air conditioner, a window unit, made a loud scratching noise like a bird flapping and walking on it. Daya sat up, alarmed, and asked, “Did you hear that?” I was going to offer a rational explanation but considered saying, “Might be a snake trying to get in the house through the unit”. But then she’d say something like, “Oh shut up. You’re just trying to scare me”. And then she’d say something like, “Oh, speaking of snakes, did you see they’re looking for a painter at the zoo?” And I’d be like that was really random, but not like totally ‘cause they have snakes in the zoo and I’d say, “No I didn’t.” And Daya would say, sounds like a cool job. Thought you’d be interested.” And I would like say, “Like what would one paint in a zoo?” and Daya would say, “I dunno, maybe like the fake rocks in the gorilla cage. Kind of cool, huh?” But then I’d look all concerned and say, “No thank you ma’am. I’m not getting all ripped to shreds by some irate gorilla”. And of course Daya would say, “They’d lock ‘em up when you painted it stupid”. “Yeah right”, I’d say, “I’m picturing a 600 pound gorilla waking up to discover someone locked his bedroom from the outside and he looks out at some pale hairless 165 pound primate redecorating his living room. I mean if that was me ain’t no Qucikset pad lock gonna keep me from shoving that paint roller up someone’s behind” And Daya would be all, “You’re so stupid. What if it was the fish exhibit that needed painting?” Then she’d has my interest and I’d say something like, “ The one with the sharks in it?” and Daya would smile an she matter-of-factly shook her head up and down. And I would ask, “Can you like paint under water?” And Daya would call me another name ands tell me, “Hello, they’d like drain the tank, got a big plug at the bottom.” “So what would they do with the fish?”, I’d ask and daya would respond, “I dunno, maybe put ‘em in those little plastic bags?” “What about the big-ass sharks?”, I ask genuinely interested. “Duh,” she’d say, “it’s the zoo, I’m sure the have really big plastic bags.” “That would be cool. Do you think they can like roll the bags around by colliding with the inside of them and chase people around?”, I honestly asked. “I guess”, Daya replied and added, “I think the bag would break when they tried to bite you and they’d end up flopping about on the ground.” “Oooo, maybe I could lure one of the sharks over to the gorilla cage...” I started to imagine aloud and Daya interrupted, “The one that tried to shove the paint roller up your...” “Yeah that one” I would say and continue, “and let the gorilla deal with the shark. It would be like Kong versus Jaws” We both gazed forward imagining the spectacle. But I was really tired and didn’t want to get up and print out a resume for Daya to mail in the morning and zoos really smell bad and I don’t even know how to paint fake rocks so I said, “I think it’s water in the unit getting splashed up by the fan”. Daya said, “oh!” and lay back down. The unit made the noise again and I added, “Or a snake.”