Sleeping with My Wife

... so eventually we fell asleep and Daya, my new girlfriend at the time, curls up really close and nestles her face into mine. It's a bit chilly and the blankets are heavy and everything is really nice until it happened. You know how it is, like that song you where this guys wins a lottery and takes a trip and the plane crashes and another guys gets a reprieve 10 minutes after the execution. Well the perfect girlfriend, after a couple of perfect dates on a perfect night, nestled into my perfectly contented face started snoring like a buzz saw right in my ear. It was annoying, it was painful. "I remember saying out loud, "Oh Boy!" This was gonna be a big one to get over. I'm not picky, but this was Hiroshima-loud and right in my ear. So I slowly pulled away, just a bit. I wasn't leaving, she was the perfect girlfriend. I just wanted a buffer-zone large enough to relieve the pain. Daya grumbled and nudged herself back into place. I tried to roll away, slowly, gently so as not to wake her. Alas, mid-turn, she pulled me back hard and buried her face even deeper into mine. This time I scooted down a bit hoping the pulses of ultrasonic waves emanating from her throat would shoot past or at least bounce off the top of my head.

Daya claims not to remember any of this and that I exaggerate. But I swear it happened just this way. You can't make things up like this and you damned sure don't forget any of it when it happens to you. Before I could get my ear past chin level, easy and gently as I tried, Daya raised her groggy self onto her left elbow and delivered three quick heavy blows to my chest with her tiny fists and shouted, "Stop it!", then re-assumed the face nestled into ear position, sound asleep.

Next morning, she said, "You look tired baby. Maybe you should get us some coffee."